Video games are a famously peaceful, lighthearted medium, free from the violent urges of less cultured products. But you may not have realized, there are many Video Game Protagonists that actually kill people. For your enlightenment, I have compiled this list, in no particular order, to expose the dark secrets of various beloved icons.
- Nathan Drake
There are many people in the Uncharted games, and Nathan Drake kills a lot of them, to the point where one might reasonably be concerned about his mental state. Bizarrely, none of Drake’s friends seem to be very concerned about his killing problem, and in some cases, they actually encourage this behavior! Simply astounding! By my estimation, Nathan Drake has killed at least 27 people, which is more than even the infamous Ted Bundy, who was also really into killing people. Such behavior is both shocking and disappointing, and serves as a grim reminder, that, despite his quippy nature and wholesome appearance, Nathan Drake is not all he appears to be.
- Ezio Auditore Da Firenze
Ezio Auditore Da Firenze is the classic example of a naive pretty-boy forced to grow up too soon. Inspired by the deaths of several family members, Ezio abandons his womanizing ways, and turns to the Assassin Order, on a quest to avenge his family and defeat the Templars. On the way, he confronts numerous Templar officers, uncovers long forgotten relics, invests in real-estate, collects a bunch of useless garbage, and beats up the Pope (Spoiler Alert). After hours of climbing up buildings and jumping on people, one may feel a burning desire to know more, and thus, turn their eyes to the dictionary, where they will unleash a surprising truth. As defined by Dictionary.com™, an assassin is, quote, “A murderer…”, unquote. Ezio was so sneaky it seems, that he thought he could hide his murders under the cover of video game fun times. How long has Ezio hid his murderous ways? We may never know. But what we do know, is that sometimes, there’s no telling what a person is truly willing to do, until you look up the definition of their job.
Kratos is very angry. So angry, in fact, that he spends most of his time screaming and frowning very hard at the greek gods. In between all of that, however, he still finds plenty of time to kill a lot of people. Kratos also kills many things that are not people, and arguably, some of the things he kills could technically count as more than one person, increasing his kill count multiple times over. There are many theories out there, but no one knows for sure why Kratos is so angry and destructive. In our modern era, we live in a civilized society, and in general, many people frown on murder. But Kratos does not live in a civilized society, he lives in that strange unknowable time period when men wore skirts but before they played bagpipes, so perhaps his violent ways can be chalked up to cultural confusion. Either way, Kratos has killed a lot of people.
- Master Chief
Now I know what you’re going to say. “But Jared, Master Chief kills aliens, and aliens aren’t people!”. Now obviously that’s true, but what you have forgotten, is that there are also people in the Halo universe, and also there are books. I have not read those books, but after skimming the back cover of one of them, and getting yelled at by angry internet commenters, it would seem that The Master Chief has also killed his fair share of normal people. In addition, some of the enemies in Halo 4 have skulls, and since only humans have skulls, these must be people as well, rounding up The Master Chief’s tally of people killed to what must be a pretty large number, let’s just say 100.
- Sam Fisher
Technically The Splintered Cells are stealth games, and if you are a sneaky boy who can move from shadow to shadow like a dainty leaf in the midsummer’s wind, then you may be able to avoid the killing of debatably innocent people. I am not very good at stealth games though, so Sam Fisher has no choice but to fill his enemies with bullets, and being filled with bullets often leads to the unfortunate result of death. Technically this would make me the killer, and not Sam, but I really enjoy playing The Splintered Cells, and why would I enjoy being a killer? Logically this means that Sam Fisher is the killer and not me, making me innocent of all charges brought against me in any court of law, and earning Mr. Fisher a spot on this 100% objective list I have made.
Nobody ever believes me when I say that Sackboy is a killer but I know he is. I can see it in his eyes. He may have fooled everyone else, but I know the truth. I don’t even need to play his games to see through the facade. His cute and cuddly exterior exists only as a mask to conceal the darkness that lies within. There is no hope in the presence of Sackboy. No life, no dreams, only the unstoppable will of a creature that knows no fear, no remorse, and no mercy. Don’t be fooled by his cutesy persona and soft, plush body; there is no escaping his wrath, and heaven help those who stand in his way.
- Call of Duty Protagonist Man
Call of Duty Protagonist Man is the manly protagonist to whom duty calls. Call of Duty is an FPS, which stands for “Frequent Person Shooting”, but it’s not as innocent as it sounds. As established all the way back at #6 with Sam Fisher, shooting people with bullets often leads to their death, and given the number of people that Call of Duty Protagonist Man shoots, it’s highly unlikely that these killings are an accident. Call of Duty Protagonist Man has shot everything from soldiers battling in the World War, soldiers battling in the Second World War, soldiers battling to prevent the Third World War, and even soldiers not participating in a World War at all. There is no limit to the soldiers that Call of Duty Protagonist Man will shoot, and his indiscriminate violence is matched only by his inconspicuous nature, for no one has ever seen the face of Call of Duty Protagonist Man, and no one ever will. He is a force of nature, and his nature is killing people; how many people? No one can know for sure, the number grows even as we speak.
- Mega Man
Mega Man is a robot, and is therefore not bound by silly human constructs like morality and laws. You would think that such a metal monstrosity would be killing people left right and center, however, Mega Man usually restricts his carnage to other robots. So why is he on this list? Follow me on this one. Killing people is the act of killing other persons who are, like yourself, a person or persons. Thus, killing people, is killing others of your kind. Mega Man kills robots, who are, like him, robots. If Mega Man is a robot, who kills others of his kind, and killing others of your kind, means you kill people, then by the transitive property, Mega Man kills people. That may seem obtuse and illogical, but it revolves around highly complex mathematical proofs and theoretical integrals that are too cumbersome to describe in this article, if you ever took Linear Algebra this should all make sense. As a bonus fun fact, using mathematical properties, and accounting for the exchange rate between robots and humans, (Metal divided by Flesh), we can estimate Mega Man’s kill count at around 100 * (Sin(3.5pi)/.25).
- Gordon Freeman
Gordon Freeman does not speak, making him the perfect killing machine. Born without the ability to vocalize, Freeman worked his way through the rough and tumble streets of his hometown, offing those who dared to halt his progress. After graduating from MIT he went on to work for Black Mesa, where he developed the Nuclear Crowbar™, capable of killing a man in just a few swings. Silent, devious, and manipulative, you will never see him coming until it’s already too late. He is king of The Science Men, and as we all know, science is the most deadly weapon of all. The worst part is, we can never know how many bodies he leaves in his wake, for he has manipulated science itself to make the calculations impossible! Any attempt to deduce his body count creates a small explosion, stunning the victim for just long enough for Freeman to creep up behind them and… well, you can imagine the rest.
We all know that Kirby is a killer, that is common knowledge at this point. The real sticking point, the thing that makes him more heinous than your average killer, is how he does it. Beyond your typical beatings, stabbings, etc. Kirby holds a power that could make even the mightiest of us tremble before him. After weakening you with his brutal technique, he uses dark magic to funnel you into his mouth, expanding his body into an torturous flesh prison from which nothing can escape. Once he has captured you as his prey, he will absorb your very life essence, draining you of your vitality and soul, and transforming it into new power he will use to continue his rampage of interstellar carnage. There is no greater evil than that which seeks to turn our own power against us, but what can we do to stop him? The answer is nothing. He will kill as he pleases, gorging himself on whatever he desires, and if he sets his sights on you? The only hope you have is to hide, and pray he doesn’t find you.
Anyways that’s the list of ten video game protagonists who are killers! Who knew so many of our favorite game protagonists actually kill people?!? Mind-Boggling! So there you have it! Have a nice day, and try not to get killed!